she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
