im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
