and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
