hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
