so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
