I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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