i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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