i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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