while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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