I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
