so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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