He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
