did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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