I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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