dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
