This is not my ceiling
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
