my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
