Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
