I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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