Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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