I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
