Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
