i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
