My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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