i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
