I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
