i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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