How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
How's work?
Spinning.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Randomize
