Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
