Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
We got so high we made milksteak
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
