I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
