my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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