I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
