he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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