i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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