Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
