ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
