Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
