my soul wont recognize me after tonight
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
ttyl tear gas
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
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