So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
