i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
