Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
