that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
