They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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