dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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