If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
