it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
