You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
