did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
