I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
