worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
