I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
